From the Mark Twain short story The Stolen White Elephant –
He took a pen and some paper, “Now – name of the elephant?”
“Hassan Ben Ali Ben Selim Abdallah Mohammed Moise Alhammal Jamsetjejeebhoy Dhuleep Sultan Ebu Bhudpoor.”
“Very well. Given name?”
“Jumbo.”
At this point I laughed out loud. As I was in the waiting area of a doctor’s office, where few people laugh out loud, this caused some people to look up at me in surprise. That is what I love about reading Mr.Twain…you never know when you will be surprised, moved to tears, or have to laugh out loud. This column is not about Mark Twain as a national treasure, or his ground-breaking literary themes, or any other English major critique about being the father of American literature. This is simply that I love his writing and have found humor, solace and wonder in reading his books over the years. Not to mention that there is a Mr.Twain quote for any topic or occasion. So, without fanfare here are my ten favorites. Enjoy….
• Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been
• When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
• Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with.
• Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
• Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
• The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
• Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
• There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
• In religion and politics, people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
OK, OK…I really could not stop at ten. I started with a list of fifty something and ruthlessly winnowed it down to twenty-one…and then removed one more and could go no farther. So here is the remainder of the top twenty…
• Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
• Let us not be too particular; It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all.
• The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
• It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
• The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.
• Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
• A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
• It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
• Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
The Stolen White Elephant is also about a nine day wonder news cycle…the love, love, love build them up, then switch to suspicion and sarcasm, then viciously tear them down and move on to another story cycle…in the age of telegraphs and newspapers. Wonder what Mr.Twain would say about our twenty-four multi-media news cycle and the fact we can become nationally obsessed with ridiculous people who are famous only for being famous? I think Samuel Langhorne Clemens would love it, and turn it into a great story….
If your favorite is not in my top twenty, please do email me at mailboat@bluwaterlife.com and set me straight! Bluwatergal
